A lot happened in the week before Thanksgiving this year, and perhaps you might have missed a thing or two.
On Sunday WorldNet Daily posted a brief correction to a recent assertion, admitting that consuming soy doesn’t actually make someone turn gay — it makes them turn latino, which the organization now confesses should have been obvious, since soy is the Spanish word for I am.
On Monday, the OK State Legislature, having learned that Steve Jobs was the biological son of a Syrian Muslim, passed a law whereby state police will now inspect any and all iPhones coming into the state for the presence of Sharia Law.
On Tuesday, TX governor Abbott signed a new executive order expanding those subject to the prohibition against Driving, or Appearing in Public, While Black to add the phrase or Brown to the title, and to include people of Hispanic and Arabic descent as among those possibly subject to arrest or fines for hiding behind unlawful skin tones.
On Wednesday, Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced a nationwide manhunt for a very particular illegal alien who wasn’t born in the U.S., who is believed to have secured a mass media job without a visa, who reportedly hides his true identity, and who has been taking away superhero work from American heroes. The suspect wears a blue outfit with a red cape, possibly in an attempt at political correctness that appeals to both sides, and some bystanders call the man with the big S on his chest Superman.
On Thursday, AL Senate candidate and former judge Roy Moore held a press conference during which he outlined the plot against him that he believes was hatched by women who have recently accused him of sexual abuse. According to Moore, these teenage temptresses, as he called them, conspired together to each entice him, on separate occasions, into making sexual advances, and they did so to try to end his political career in a very shady way. “They made me do it,” said Moore, “and the reason they made me do it, and then resisted me, pretending to be offended by my swashbuckling moves, is because they wanted to make me turn gay!”
On Friday, James O’Keefe spoke with reporters about his new movie Planned Parenthood Eats Babies that purportedly shows organization employees feasting on cooked fetuses. James asserted that a baked fetus looks, and tastes, like chicken, so viewers need to recognize the forked meat for what it actually is, and not what it appears to be on screen. One PP member who appears in the film claims that his statement “I don’t eat fetuses!” was edited by removing the word don’t, but when asked, Mr. O’Keefe declined to comment.
On Saturday, an unidentified White House source leaked to the press details about an incident that occurred when a very frustrated Trump, during a session with his hair specialist, at one point yelled out, “Nobody knew that haircare could be so complicated!!!”
Note: I expect that DK readers will pick up on the Onion flavor of this ramble, and if you savor this kind of spice, you can treat yourself to the fresher form that accompanies my monthly newsletter by signing up for that email dispatch at daveelder.com. This rounddump appeared in the 11/17 Daveletter.